The Complete Guide to Your Survival in Their Society
Ch. 1 ………………………………… What are Ginger Kids?
Ch. 2 ………………………………… What causes it?
Ch. 3 ……………………………….… How to avoid being seen by a ginger kid
Ch. 4 ………………………………… What to do if a ginger kid sees you
Ch. 5 …………………………………. What to do if a ginger kid talks to you
Ch. 6 ………………………………… What to do if a ginger kid bites you
Ch. 7 ………………………………… I dyed my hair and its gone ginger! Help?
Ch. 8 ………………………………… The sun bleached my hair ginger! Help?
Ch. 9 ……………………… I am naturally ginger, am I immune to their bites?
Ch. 10 ………………………………. What to do in a Ginger Uprising
Ch. 11 ………………………………. How to kill a Ginger Kid
Ch. 12 ……………………….How to safeguard your house against Ginger Kids
Chapter One: What are ginger kids?
A ginger kid is a term used to describe a child who has been cursed with fair skin, freckles and orange hair. The term was originally made popular by the programme Comedy Central’s South Park. Some people have not got freckles or fair skin, but they have still been cursed with the orange hair atop of their head. The term used to describe these beings is “day walkers”. Ginger Kids are often either scrawny with oversized spectacles or tall and fat, just like the internet sensation CopperCab. CopperCab is an 18 year old Christian redneck yank fat ginger kid with a speech impediment, dental plan, a matted beard and possible bipolar who was famed for the filming of the video “Gingers do have souls!” Ginger kids have long been the victim of hate and, being so scrawny and unconfident, have done nothing about it. One exception to this is CopperCab, but nobody listened to him when he posted his video on YouTube and great “lulz” ensued.
Chapter Two: What causes it?
Red hair is its colour because of the pigment pheomelanin. Red hair has far more of the pheomelanin than it has of the dark pigment, eumelanin. The genetics of red hair were discovered in 1997 and appear to be associated with the melanocortin-1 receptor (MC1R), which is found on chromosome 16. The MC1R recessive variant gene that gives people red hair and fair skin is also associated with freckles, though it is not uncommon to see a redhead without freckles. There are more, however, freckly little ginger kids than non-freckly ginger kids. This makes some gingers appear to have a vividly orange face, much like a girl who wears foundation like sun cream.
Chapter Three: How to Avoid Being Seen By a Ginger Kid
One of the first lessons any professional ginger spy will tell you is that when a ginger kid asks where you are, do not attempt to make any contact and keep silent.
Let’s say for instance, there is a ginger kid walking down a long street in London. When people notice him, they immediately jump behind a bush or seek refuge in the nearest shop. The ginger kid notices the absence of other human beings in the street. He is confused. However, the ginger kid noticed one of his friends hiding behind a fence. He calls out to him: “Gerald! Please could you stand up?” Frightened, Gerald stands up, allowing himself to be in full view of the ginger kid. Their eyes meet and Gerald promptly falls into a deep coma. This demonstrates the value of how to not be seen by a ginger kid.
Another situation: a ginger kid is taking a short walk down a coastal path near his home town. As he walks, he, again, notices the absence of other people along this coastal path, due to the fact that they may have either hidden behind a bush or jumped off the cliff, preferring death rather than confrontation from the ginger kid. The ginger kid notices another one of his friends hiding behind a large crosmosia bush sat in the middle of a large field. “Daniel! There you are! Could you please stand up?” Daniel, unlike Gerald, does not comply with the ginger kid’s wishes and remains hidden from view. Daniel has learnt the first lesson of not being seen. However, Daniel has chosen a rather obvious place to hide. The crosmosia bush instantly explodes and a shrill scream is heard from within the mass of burning flames and toxic gases.
Let’s take one last situation. A few days later, the ginger kid is taking a nice stroll through the woods with his dog. The woods themselves are a popular place for dogs and their owners. Once more, he notices the lack of human presence and is confused. He looks around but cannot see anybody. However, due to calling at his friend Nigel’s earlier, he obtained information from a terrified mother (who, unbeknown to both her son and the ginger kid, is now lying in her hall way in a deep coma) that Nigel was walking the dog in the woods where the ginger kid now walked. He now knows that Nigel is somewhere in these woods, and it does not take the ginger kid long to find him. Nigel is now in intensive care at a specialist hospital in London.
That is the theory of not being found, what not to do. I strongly suggest you choose a rather unobvious hiding place or get out of the area of any ginger kid as soon as possible.
Chapter Four: what to do if a ginger kid sees you
One of the most common mistakes made by those who are put intensive care by ginger kids is trying to have the courage to “stay strong, stare into their eyes and say ‘no’.” However, this is not such a terribly bright idea, seeing as ginger kids have the inept ability to put even the hardiest of men into a deep coma for months at a time, maybe even years, from the moment you lock eyes.
If a ginger kid sees you, you must avoid looking into his eyes at all costs, because once you are under, ginger kids release an aura into the atmosphere known as Somnium Potio (roughly translated as ‘Dream Poison’) which may affect your brain in a way that all you can think of is the most terrible things whilst you’re in the coma. Remember, you don’t know if you are in a coma, and so you will have no way of ‘awakening’ yourself. There is no escape from Somnium Potio, once you are in the coma of a ginger kid, Somnium Potio will affect you like nothing you can possibly dream of.
Another point I feel I must make is that it is possible to see ginger kids can and will appear in your ‘dreams’ whilst you are in a coma. These figments of your horrified imagination are known as Tandem Somnium Liberi (Literally: Last dream child). TSL have the same powers as your average ginger kid, except worse. They can appear at any given time from thin air, they can control you, if you look into their eyes you will fall into an even heavier coma in your dream, meaning that you will be in a dream in a dream. This is a terribly unstable state for your mind to be in and to risk looking into ginger kid’s eyes again, or even sleeping, could send you flying into limbo without a second glance. Ginger kids are incredibly dangerous; do not underestimate their strength and power.
Chapter five: what to do if a ginger kid talks to you
Whilst being spoken to by a ginger is not particularly dangerous, it is not an option to not be careful. When you talk to them, do well to make the conversation is as short as can possible be. If you look into their eyes, there will be no flashes of life before your eyes. You’ll just be under, with Somnium Potio flowing through your veins at unstoppable speeds. A ginger kid’s conversation can make a person drowsy, and whilst you will not fall into a deep coma, you may fall into a deep sleep the moment your lips touch any item of food. Coffee or any other form of caffeine can awaken you to your previous state*. This is dependent on how ‘evil’ said ginger kid is. If it is lonely, it may genuinely wish to have an honest conversation with you. However, if the ginger kid is hungry or bored, he may engage in conversation and offer you a sweet. Under no condition should you ever take a sweet from a ginger kid. If you do, you will under a more neutralised version of the ginger kid’s stare but still in a deep sleep. He may steal your belongings, i.e. your car keys or your house keys and send your family into a tortured sleep, neither awake nor asleep. In this state, a ginger kid can control anybody.
You must make an excuse. Here are a few ready-made, which you can work on to suit your lifestyle:
“I’m late for *rugby-, football-, tennis-club, etc.*”
“I must go and drop this off at my friend’s house.”
“My friend’s on holiday and he’s asked me to feed his cat.”
“I must visit my *friend, son/daughter, husband/wife, mother/father* in hospital.”
“Go away/p*ss off.”
“I need to go and finish off my [home] work.”
Whilst a ginger may realise that you could be making these excuses up, it will not do anything to stop you. A ginger kid’s main priority is to act conspicuous. Even as you walk away, you must avoid looking back. He will pounce at the chance to send you flying into a coma with the effects of Somnium Potio.
*This must be done before you are asleep. Once asleep due to a ginger kid, you will not awaken for another 12 hours, severely unsettling your body clock and inducing fatigue and hallucinations.
Chapter six: What to do if a ginger kid bites you
Before we delve in to all that we know about a ginger kid’s attack, we feel it necessary to tell you about the science behind their teeth, which is the most dangerous part of a ginger kid.
Ginger kids create a chemical compound named Letalis Noctumbra in a gland next to the thyroid gland, located in the throat. Letalis Noctumbra is commonly known as Deadly Nightsweet. This chemical compound is released when pressure is applied to the front teeth, which also explains why most gingers have such bad teeth. They are unable to see a dentist as almost 97% of the time, the dentist falls victim to the effects of Deadly Nightsweet as he/she will almost definitely trigger the secretion of the chemical compound.
The effects of Letalis Noctumbra include fatigue, strong hallucinations, severe dizziness, projectile vomiting, violent diarrhoea, internal bleeding of the genitals and a 60% risk increase of some form of heart attack, such as STEMI (ST segment elevation myocardial infarction). This is due to Deadly Nightsweet drying in the veins and having a similar effect to cholesterol, blocking the blood supply for a long period of time. These symptoms last for 3 full moons, starting to decrease in violence approximately 10 days before the victim’s last full moon. This chemical compound also prolongs the menstrual cycle, inducing aggressively strong projectile bleeding and vicious, brutal period cramps lasting throughout the entire cycle. Letalis Noctumbra is fatal.
Thus far, scientists across Europe and the Americas have only so far found an anti-chemical which slightly reduces the effects of Deadly Nightsweet. This anti-chemical is created from the Opium poppy, the same plant which heroine is made from. The dried latex of the poppy is chemically processed frequently, and then mixed with 1/8th distilled, tepid vodka. This reacts with the 12% of naturally produced morphine, creating a strong liquid hallucinogenic. This is then solidified, compressed and lightly baked, so as to strengthen the effects of this anti-chemical. It is strongly suggested that you purchase these tablets on the NHS, for roughly £330 a packet.
If you are bitten by a ginger, we advise you to immediately wash the wound out with a strong chemical, such as alcohol or peroxide. Keep pouring either the alcohol or the peroxide on to the wound until it turns a dull white, and immediately call 999. The cleansing of the wound slightly slows down the chemical reaction inside your body by either burning the cells slightly or intoxicating them (getting them drunk.) This will enable the hospital emergency team to professionally cleanse the wound before the vicious effects take place. Please note there is a 26.7% chance that the emergency team may have to amputate the limb on which you have been bitten so the infection does not spread to the rest of the body, proving fatal to even the healthiest of people.
Chapter seven: I dyed my hair and its gone ginger! Help?
Should you be ungainly in your attempts to change your identity slightly, it is highly recommended by top hair stylists and chemists that you shave your head completely bald, so as to renew the dead hair follicles in your head. Ginger hair kills cells upon contact, and it is possible that your scalp could melt away. The reason that naturally Ginger kids can withstand the hair is because they have a reinforced scalp that has evolved over time to withstand most poisons on contact and is totally protected from penetration such as mosquito bites and Black Widow spider bites. When hair dressers are forced to cut a gingers hair, it is most common that their hands decay with the sheer radiation of the hair follicles.
Alternatively, you could purchase an industrial strength permanent brown hair dye from your local military headquarters.
Chapter eight: The sun bleached my hair ginger! Help?
This is a most unfortunate event, and a true sign that you have the ginger genes inside your alleles. This cannot be changed after 10 days. Your scalp will harden after this time period, and you will transform permanently into a ginger kid.
To prevent this, we strongly suggest staying in a dark room for 5 hours every day. You must NOT be exposed to sunlight in any way, shape or form. To be extra safe, the shaving of your head is advised as well.
This will prevent the hair follicles from taking a dominant role over all other cells in your body.
After this happens, there is also an 80% chance that you have increased your risk of the fatal skin cancer, Malignant Melanoma by three quarters of the original hazard. It is very important that you do not go out in the sun without wearing at least factor 55 or higher for the next ten years of your life. After ten years, you may reduce the SPF factor to 40, 30 or 25.
Chapter nine: I am naturally ginger, am I immune to their bites?
Yes. If you are Ginger reading this, please dispose of this leaflet immediately to prevent your diseases from infecting the population.
Chapter ten: What to do in a ginger uprising
Should the world be confronted with a ginger uprising, you must not attempt to reach loved ones or leave your house. To do so results in an almost 100% chance that you will be attacked by one or more ginger kids. A group of ginger kids is commonly known as a ‘yuarfuct’. You must board up all doors and windows. Top scientists and specialists around the world in contact with our government organisation have created a list of ten mandatory rules to ensure your safety.
1. Protect your safe house
Board up all windows and doors. Make sure there is only one exit, hidden so that even if stumbled upon, it will not be recognised by any human being, including gingers. Specialists advise a self dug hole through the floor of your house or basement leading out to underneath a bush/another building. (More on this in bonus chapter!)
2. Carry a weapon at all times
This will help you defend yourself at all times should your house be attacked. Suggested weapon choices are:
- Baseball/cricket bats.
- Firearm such as a handgun, sub-machine gun or a rifle.
- Nun chucks.
- Any form of bladed weapon such as a knife or sword.
- A bottle of Mace.
- Garden utensils such as spades, pitchforks and shovels.
- Molotov cocktails or any other IED (improvised explosive device)
3. Do not attempt to reach friends or family
Leaving the house will result in your death. You put yourself at a high risk of being seen by a yuarfuct, even with professional training. They can fend for themselves. If your loved one is elderly, their time was nearly over anyway.
4. Stock up on food
The moment you hear of a ginger uprising, you must stock up on food one way or another. Either rob the local convenient store or supermarket or if you’re loaded on cash, just buy it and save yourself the hassle of being arrested. The recommended food would be chocolate digestive biscuits
because they go really well with milk.
5. Mute your TV and use subtitles
Loud noises such as sports, comedy laughter and horror films on the television can attract attention and let yuarfucts know of your whereabouts. Mute your TV permanently by smashing the speakers and enabling subtitles. Furthermore, it is strongly advised that you leave a news channel on at all time to gain quick access to the news.
6. Buy an ipad 2
The chances are you’re going to get really bored sitting at home hiding from ginger kids and watching the news, so it is advised that you purchase an Apple iPad 2 to play games such as Angry Birds HD and Need For Speed Shift, which are available from the iTunes store (iTunes can be downloaded for free from the Apple website). The Apple iPad 2 is available at the Apple Store, starting at £399.
(To take out an advertisement in your local government safety leaflet, contact the PR Office to HM Queen Elizabeth II at email@example.com or call 0800 446437)
7. Get a HTC DESIRE HD for free on selected orange pay-monthly contracts
Thoroughly recommended by the best phone retailers for maximum service, this phone enables you to call anyone quickly and easily at any time of trouble. Furthermore, Orange and T-Mobile have teamed up so that when you have lost all Orange signals, your phone will automatically switch to the T-Mobile phone signal. The HTC Desire HD sports an 8 megapixel camera with dual LED flash, which can help blind the gingers should you be attacked, and can also be used to take stunning high definition photos of your attackers in their true light. Photos can be edited easily to remove blemishes from the skin, strengthen contrast and shadows/highlights and impress your still living family and friends with innovative FaceBlend ©
Available on Orange Panther and Dolphin from £35 per month.
8. Keep a register of your group
If you are in a group, make sure you keep a strict register of who is present. This can help prevent infiltrations and can help you keep a note of who is dead and who isn’t.
9. Make rules
Rules can be the difference between death and life if followed. Advised rules are:
- No killing friends/family
- Ask to have something from the fridge
- Put the toilet seat down when finished
- Tidy up after yourself
- Do not leave weapons lying around
- No drinking of alcohol before 5:00pm
- Treat others as you would like to be treated
- Don’t be a mug – use a plug! (dispose of used tampons when finished. For instance, cook them in a pie for your husband or use them as bait for a yuarfuct.
10. Try not to shit in public if you can
Not only is it one of the most uncomfortable things a man can do due to the fear of being invaded at the time he is most vulnerable, but it can also attract gingers due to their love of foul putrid smelling things such as faeces and each other.
Chapter eleven: How to kill a ginger kid
As ginger kids are very nearly indestructible, there are only 3 ways of killing them eternally. This is one of the most widely acknowledged and applied methods of killing a ginger kid: The Gingerbread Man Baking Method. However, whilst this is the longest and most difficult method of forever destroying a ginger kid, it is also the most reliable.
Contrary to popular belief, whilst ginger kids can piece themselves together again when limbs are severed, they cannot do so when the head is removed and burned in acid between a pH scale of 1 and 2. The reason for this is because the chemical compound that allows the gingers to reattach limbs is created in the brain. When the head is removed, the chemical can no longer reach other parts of the body, thus restoring said limbs. Of course, finding an acid this potent in a ginger uprising is difficult, and so you must be able to think on your feet. Thankfully, there is a theory that evolution knew of the fore comings of a ginger uprising and equipped us with our own natural acid: hydrochloric acid (HCl). This acid can be found in the stomach, and in order for the ginger kid’s head to reach this acid without maiming your own body is to consume it. Naturally, it feels wrong to kill another person, even a ginger, let alone consume their vital organs, however it is necessary. The reason for eating them is that without having been burned in acid, the head will grow another body in under a night, with twice the body mass and hormone imbalance as before. This makes the ginger kid bigger and angrier, and therefore more lethal.
However, one arguably good thing about ginger kids is that they are easily edible, due to the easy breaking down of tissue in the mouth and a strong taste of the root spice, Zingiber Officinale, commonly known as ginger. When baked, a ginger kid’s tissue will harden and take on the same density and consistency of that found in a ginger bread man. So in order to easily and more comfortable consume the head of a ginger kid, it is advised to bake it. Also, the skull will deteriorate when baked and transform into the same tissue as the skin and flesh, whilst the brain will melt and transform into a liquid which looks, tastes and smells remarkably like melted chocolate. It is optional to consume the rest of the body.
To capture a ginger kid, a used tampon can be attached to a string and laid outside a yuarfuct’s hideout. When a ginger kid exits the building and sees the used tampon, he will immediately pounce on it and try to consume it. Now is your chance to attack the ginger kid and either take him hostage for later or remove his limbs and head instantly. The same can also be done with a person excavating his bowels (as mentioned previously, gingers have a love for putrid smelling things such as faeces, preferably male).
The second method of destroying a ginger is to remove each limb with a ruby embossed goblin made steel sword or knife and then impale the blade into the heart of the ginger kid. As most ginger kids are allergic to steel and ruby, this will create a chemical reaction in the blood inside their body thus causing it to spontaneously combust. This is very dangerous, as the explosion is enough to destroy a full 100m radius. This method is not advised indefinitely.
The third method is to just blow the fuckers up. Locate their whereabouts, grab about an ounce of C4, ignite the shit and watch the ginger mother-fuckers burn. Again, this is a very risky method as it will not definitely destroy each ginger kid. Only 3 in 10 ginger kids will die in a high impact explosion. It can however, be used as a diversion of some kind.
Bonus chapter: How to safeguard your house against ginger kids
This bonus chapter is only available in selected copies!
As a bonus chapter for this book, specialist ginger kid scientists and ginger uprising survivors have helped compile a series of dos and don’ts for those of you who want to stay alive when the worst comes to the worst.
- Board up all windows and doors with the thickest material possible, such as steel or thick wood.
- Dig only one hole through the bottom of your floor or through the wall of your cellar leading outside to somewhere highly concealed.
- Have weapons hidden somewhere accessible in every room.
- Stockpile on food.
- Keep used tampons and “surprise” faeces in a thick box for bait.
- Eat food before it reaches its Best Before End date.
- Have a large supply of plastic explosive.
- Have the confidence to raid the local supply store for provisions and media.
- Keep the news on at all times.
- Conceal traps around the house and make sure everyone knows where they are.
- Kill all the children in the house – you can’t trust them to be quiet.
- Have a toilet outside.
- Do public shits.
- Go out of the house in groups of less than three.
- Leave used tampons around the house – Reuse the juice!
- Leave dead bodies in the house – take it to a river!
- Waste old vinyl records. They can be used as throwing blades.
- Have sexual intercourse too loudly – the raised hearing sense and raging hormones of gingers can hear it from over a mile away.
- Be heroic. If someone else offers themselves as bait, let them. Their loss.
- Play any tricks on your family. If your family knows how to respond to emergencies, you’re not going to be laughing anymore.
- Don’t practice sodomy. It will probably hurt.
If you follow these rules, you will most definitely survive. Alternatively you could go to a GUSC (Ginger Uprising Survival Camp) located in London, Bedford, RAF Nocton Hall in Lincolnshire and Portobello in Scotland.
Good luck. Don’t die.